Posts tagged “life

What Now

Now doesn’t last long. It becomes a memory, a story, too soon. The actual is short lived. Our reality is that of an ever-shifting potentiality not a stability.

Ideas move forward and jump from one moment to the other. Christianity has been doing this. Christianity has a backpack full of ideas: love, forgiveness, perfection, altruism, sacrifice…

One gets the feeling that at present, today’s potentiality has a completely different structure and that the ideas Christianity brings with it are no longer ideas people can relate to – except maybe love but that no longer belongs to religion, it is now a social idea. In fact we can keep all the ideas that originally came with Christianity, without religion. This means that Christianity is left with just its own unique story: Humanity’s innate sinfulness redeemed by Jesus who offers himself as a sacrifice and dies on the cross to save us.

So, what now?

If we are to live in a religion-less future, as some predict, how will we guarantee social cohesion? How will individuals be guided and kept from falling into chaos? In a meaningless world, nothing is good or bad, everything is indifference. In a religion-less world, we are alone. If we survive as a species or die-out makes no difference to anything but ourselves. Of course, if that is our reality then inventing a God or religion and maintaining the illusion won’t change anything.

Christianity may have lost its power but I don’t think the idea of the existence of a God is dead. In fact, understanding the nature of reality as being innately meaningful is not a stupid or naive idea. In my mind, believing in God is not grasping at straws. It is bridging the gap between our experience of the world and the ultimate nihilistic idea that we are not really alive, that we are not really here – like a flower that blooms in an empty garden where no gardener has ever existed and no spectator will ever exist to see the bloom.

Seeing reality as meaningful, in a non-religious way, is not unreasonable. It is hopeful.

Return to Self-World

When you have lived in the presence of a powerful narcissist you will get dragged into their world. In other words you will be living in their narrative and not your own. To function properly as your own person, you must be allowed to create and maintain your own self-story – your life-story. The only place you can realise your true nature – your hopes and dreams – is in a world that you understand, feel comfortable in and enjoy. That is because it is your living place, a place you have created.

Your own world is much the same as everyone else’s. It’s made up of the same people, cities, situations, societies as the rest of the population. But inside your head there are subtle differences. You will experience the world in your own unique way. I’m convinced that each person experiences the world in a way that is as individual as a fingerprint.

I have been living with and continue to live with, a very powerful narcissist. My abilities to be the person I want to be have been subdued and pushed to the side-lines. My work on the PhD and my writing have suffered because of my relationship with this person. It is likely that my submissive nature empowered the person even more. Narcissism is a mental-health issue and not the sufferer’s fault. I blame nobody for the situation only myself maybe, for having fallen into the narcissist’s trap.

I write this to help others. If you are a creative who is in a similar relationship, you must make sure that your world remains your world, otherwise you will cease to be able to work effectively in it. Create boundaries in your mind and in your personal space which will enable you to leave the world of the other person, preventing them from overrunning your world. A narcissist will overrun your world because they don’t want you to have your own space. They must occupy every corner of your experience otherwise they will feel abandoned and mistreated and you will have to suffer for your unacceptable behaviour.

Some Time and a Desk

Just under two weeks ago it was my 60th birthday. My five wonderful children presented me with two tickets for a weekend at Silverstone to watch the British Grand Prix. All my life I have followed Formula 1 racing but I had never seen one in real life. What a wonderful surprise.

A few days before my 60th birthday I travelled down to Hampshire to collect my elderly parents who were to stay with us for a week. We already have my wife’s mum living with us permanently. She has cancer, heart failure and two slow-growing brain tumours. My mum has vision problems due to Glaucoma and my dad can hardly walk due to arthritis. It was great to see my parents that week but it was hard work and very emotional. I got no writing done. I got no work on my PhD done.

Taking them back home a week later and some random lorry dropped a block of wood on the motorway in front of us. I could not avoid it and the wood damaged my new campervan quite badly. This was just days before I was to take the campervan to Silverstone. I frantically tried to patch the campervan up so I could use it. I managed that. Me and my son went to Silverstone and had a fantastic weekend watching Lewis Hamilton win the British Grand Prix for the sixth time. I got no writing done. I got no work on my PhD done.

Now I need to get the campervan ready for our annual holiday in less than two weeks’ time. This will mean spending hours in a garage while repair work is carried out. This year we are touring Switzerland and France. I also need to make sure my mother-in-law is able to be safe and happy on her own for two weeks and set up the necessary procedures for that. I will get no writing done. I will get no work on my PhD done.

I am not complaining. Life is good – very good. We have started going to Church again after several years of making excuses not to. Going back was easier than we thought. Both my wife and I continue to have issues with Christian doctrine. Our true spiritual natures seem to exist somewhere between Christianity and Buddhism – and the great outdoors.

I want to write now more than I have ever done. I need to find the time in my busy schedule, to sit at my desk and create stories. It takes time and a certain peace of mind, to write worthwhile content. Somehow, writing fiction – or nonfiction – helps establish a better understanding of the world. Writing narrative helps me better understand the meaning behind the chaos. It is the human task maybe, to work with the Infinite in creating the best life-story possible for all of creation.

The mind can drown in activity and distraction. I wonder how many great texts were never written because of the constant call from all those to-do lists, duties, holidays and hobbies. I am not complaining. Life is good. But I would like to write more. I would like to have the time I need to do my PhD properly. What I really need is to get organised. Or is that just another distracting task I have given myself?